I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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