He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
