fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
