the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
