Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Randomize
