did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
