They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
