Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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