so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
