i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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