dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
