Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
