so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
