my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
