Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
