Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
