Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We're too hungover to prance.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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