i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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