i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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