Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
