wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
