You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
