6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
