Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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