singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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