I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
