Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
