i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
