I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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