There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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