Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
