Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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