Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
