it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
accomplished twins. life is a go
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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