I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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