you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
