I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
bring money and cleavage
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
