My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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