My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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