My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
