I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
