the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
