phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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