remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
