How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the day after is always just damage control
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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