It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
