but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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