there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
