i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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