So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
