I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
