Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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