After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
