Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
