She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
