Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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