dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
