I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
