dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
